A woman facing an agonizing romantic dilemma recently reached out to relationship counselor Rev. Christopher Brodber for guidance, opening up about the complicated secret she has carried throughout her two-year engagement.
The woman explained that she began seeing her current fiancé as a rebound relationship after ending things with her high school sweetheart, who she left after he was unfaithful to her. Though her ex never wanted a long-term commitment after their breakup, she maintained an intimate connection with him, in large part because of the deep emotional bond she formed with his son, whom she helped raise as her own during her original relationship with her ex. Now that her fiancé has proposed and made his long-term intentions clear, she finds herself torn between the steady, serious partnership he offers and the lingering attachment she still holds to her ex.
Unsure of how to proceed, she asked Brodber whether she should confess her ongoing affair to her fiancé immediately, or wait and end things with her ex before revealing her deception.
In his response, published on Jamaica Observer’s “Get on The Counsellor’s Couch” advice column, Brodber emphasized that any relationship built on deception stands on an unstable, shaky foundation. Drawing a parallel to the biblical teaching of building one’s life on solid rock rather than shifting sand, he noted that hidden dishonesty will eventually erode any trust partners build, and can wash away all the time, energy and love a person has invested in a relationship.
Brodber’s core recommendation was that the woman must confess the full truth to her fiancé, no matter how frightening that outcome may be. He acknowledged that her honesty will almost certainly cause deep pain and anger, and may even lead her fiancé to end the engagement. But he stressed that the woman owes her fiancé, who has loved her enough to propose marriage, the respect of full transparency. Even if the relationship ends, he said, doing the right thing will leave her with a clearer conscience.
Beyond calling for full disclosure, Brodber also encouraged the woman to do deep self-reflection to unpack why she has risked a stable, committed relationship for a casual, unstable connection with an ex who betrayed her once and has no interest in a future together. He suggested that the root of her confusion likely comes from unresolved emotional baggage from past relationships or childhood experiences, such as low self-esteem, unaddressed fears, or unhealthy emotional dependency.
To work through this uncertainty, Brodber suggested that stepping away from both relationships entirely to spend time alone would help her gain clarity, heal, and rebuild her life on a foundation of honesty. He pushed back on the common idea that she can “have the best of both worlds,” reminding her that actions always have consequences: just as the Bible teaches, you reap what you sow, and sowing deception will eventually produce a harvest of heartbreak.
Broken down into clear, actionable steps, his final guidance centered on radical integrity and intentional choice. First, he told her to make a clear decision about her future: if she cannot give up the casual relationship with her ex, she must end things with her fiancé immediately. Maturity, he noted, requires making hard choices and accepting the consequences of your actions. Second, when she speaks to her fiancé, she should create a safe, intentional space to confess, prepare for any reaction, offer a full apology, and ask for forgiveness regardless of whether he chooses to stay in the relationship. He also recommended that she have support on hand in case the conversation becomes volatile.
Closing his advice, Brodber framed marriage as a sacred, weighty institution that requires full commitment and honesty to thrive. “Every treasure can bring trouble if it isn’t cared for properly,” he wrote, ending with a prayer that the woman finds the wisdom and courage to choose the honest path she needs to take.
Readers can submit their own relationship questions to Rev. Brodber’s “Get on The Counsellor’s Couch” column via e-mail at allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.